It is done.
As I said it would be.
And now, my burden is lifted.

You see.
I keep my promises.
Whether or not you appreciate it.
Because even if I didn't care about letting you down, I care about letting myself down.

And Tinky never fails what she has promised.

And I truly hope, for your own sakes, that you make something worthwhile out of this.

So may peace be with you.
And me, too.

You know what's the worst part of it all?
It's that, I don't think you even realize.
Imagine that.

I am disappointed with you.
And disappointed doesn't even begin to describe it.

I don't know what I've spend this one year doing, getting only accusations, recriminations and blame in return.
A and I say I should let it cool. Don't I always?

You should know that you hurt me badly this time. Actually, you do that every time, but I smile and pretend it's okay.
Well, it's fucking not okay.

I really hope you find your happiness, because you sure as hell need it.
Maybe then you will stop thinking the world is victimizing you.
Perhaps I never really understood you in the first place.
More fool me, then, for thinking I could make a difference.
I overestimate my abilities, and now I pay the price.

I wish you all the best.
Sincerely.
But I think the time has come for me to let go.

I am always there if you need me.
Remember that.
But you will have to look for me first.
Because I sure as hell won't approach you anymore.

I've finally figured out why I like country music. And it's not just the tunes.

People who dislike country usually don't listen past 2 notes. And no, country music is not about red-necked Texas.
It's about family and friends.
Love and love lost.
Memories and reminisces.
It's about war and peace, life and death.
It's about giving and receiving, about being positive and being grateful for what you have in your life.
Country music is meaningful. And sometimes, it heals the soul. I'm serious.
And it reminds you sometimes, at your lowest periods, that there are many things to live for, and many people with situations worse than yours.

There are of course mentions of religion and God, but being an atheist, I just take it as what I see it as; part of the song. Without it, country music would lose its tradition. Country folk are simple fellows, following their God to guide them through life. And it shows in their music.

It is unlikely that I will ever subscribe to Christianity.

But I still love country music.

And I suddenly feel at a loss.
There's no direction in life anymore, short of sounding the horn.
I know I shouldn't waste my time away playing MH, watching soccer and drama and playing bridge.
But on some level I don't want to face up to the real world.

Where has my childhood gone?

And it pains me that some people don't realize what a facade I put up to seem jovial and carefree all the time, when I'm just dying inside.
I resent being labelled as "emo-ing" when I drop that mask to regain my sanity, just for a while.

You insult me.

也许真的是时候放手了。
家哥说得对，我不应该自己找麻烦。

昨天，我和一个意想不到的人谈了几句。
其实她说的话一点都没错。
只是我自己不想去面对。

我想我没有必要向你解释我的想法。
你只要知道，那完全跟你无关。
如果你硬要坚持，我是因为你或他才不想下去，那我只能说，我很失望。因为，你到头来还是不相信我。

到这个时候，如果你仍然觉得，这都是一场游戏，那么我们的友情一点意思都没有。
与其勉强大家，不如一了百了。
也许你说得对，我们不了解对方。
这是一件令我很遗憾的事。
不过，我并不觉得自己对不起你们任何一个人。
我可以用良心发誓，我做的一举一动都是为了你们好。
我问心无愧。

希望你们都清楚自己想要什么。
希望你们能成熟。
也希望你们不要再做出伤害彼此的行为。

也希望我们仍然能相处。
如果这已经不可能了，就希望你们自己珍重。
我会在远方祝福你们。

也希望你知道，不管发生什么事，我都不会后悔那天在巴士站重逢。

Spending what will most probably be my last few days studying as an undergraduate.
About this time, nostalgia starts to set in.
I'm going to do away with the sappy stuff, but the bottom line is, time has really passed too damned fast.

I suspect I started MH to keep my mind occupied with mundane things.
Like I said, I've always preferred the virtual world to the real one.
It's much easier to seem powerful and all-knowing online.
You can be anybody you want.
Some show more of themselves to others.
Others show less.
What's great is that, it's all up to you.

I find myself retreating into my shell every day.
The thought of "going out" simply turns me off, and I would rather spend a quiet day with my laptop in hall.
I think, maybe, I don't like people very much.
Or is it that I don't like very many people?
I'm not entirely sure.

Still, the urge to be antisocial surfaces quite often nowadays.
I suspect somehow if I didn't injure herself, maybe I wouldn't even be spending so much time with them.
People are strange creatures.
And even I can't decide sometimes, whether I want to be alone or if I want company.

If I wasn't compelled to have company for some reason... would I simply hide myself away?
I think yes.

You would think, at 23 years of age, one would be able to comprehend oneself better than this.

So in general, it's been a trying 10 days or so. But we've overcome it, I think.
And while there remain the occasional bumps and blips, I do think I managed to find some sort of temporary peace.

One year older, one year wiser. I hope.
Childhood has come and gone, and soon I will have to face the reality of working life.

Parents have been strange recently.
Mum even hinted that Dad might get me a car.
I'm starting to wonder if it's some sort of a bribe to get me to spend more time at home.
Though I would never admit it, I do miss my parents.
But I'm terrified that if I go home, some sort of argument might arise, and I would curse myself for relenting yet again.
I see my friends with their own parents, and I invariably wish my relationship with my own folks was better.
But some things we cannot control.

Life is a mess.
Yet, I pretend that everything is fine in front of others.
Perhaps there has always been a driving need in me to appear invulnerable, because for some reason I have yet to fathom, people do look up to me, as someone they trust to help them through their difficult times.
It's not something I'm proud of, it just is what it is.
And I'm not afraid to admit that I don't mind going to great lengths for the people I care for.
Still, sometimes, I wish there were people I dared to show my weakness to, people I could look to for advice, people I could seek for guidance.
Perhaps I've always been the one people seek out, so much so that I don't even know how to go about looking for help anymore.

Nevertheless, I do believe things have reached some sort of resolution.
And I fervently hope my friends are still my friends.
Nothing should change what we have.

I wish all of you only the best.
Be happy, my friends.
And I shall try to be happy too.

My parents, I doubt you'll ever see this, but I do love both of you a lot.
I promise to be a better person for you two.
And no, you don't have to use a car to bribe me.
But I won't deny that I've been hankering for one.
And for the record, I don't expect one.

Lastly, thanks to those who celebrated my birthday.
J, I know A will treat you well and I'm sincerely happy if this is what you really want.
I, get well soon, and remember I'm always there if you need me.

J, P & C, one day you guys will understand why I've been so busy and ignoring all of you.
I don't mean it.
Remember, when you're mad at me for MIAing again, think back to the good times in RGSSB. Nothing can replace that. Remember this.

昨天，我真的恍然大悟。
原来我们之间的友情是这么的虚伪的。
我时常都告诉你，要相信我。
好，既然你是这么的不信任我，我们之间也没什么好谈的。

如果你以为我现在是在气事情的结果，你就大错特错了。
让我伤心的是事情的过程。
其实，我真的替你开心。
我知道之前你很难过。
但是，为什么你没有亲自告诉我？
你把我当成傻瓜吗?
我最讨厌别人欺骗我。尤其是我平时最信任的人。

这次，我可以很肯定的说，我是不会心软的。
如果你自己不要踏出第一步，那我只好认命，自己失去了一个好友。
我不否认我会很难过。我也知道，我一定会因此而流很多眼泪。
但是，当我看不到将来，看不到前途，看不到意义的时候，我就知道，是时候放手了。
再痛也要一刀两断，因为拖下去也不会有好结果。

这一刻，我只能告诉你，珍重，保重。
我曾经说过，会一辈子支持你。
那个誓言是不会改变的。
但是，也许我只能够在远方支持你。

希望你快乐。
也希望你的决定是值得的。

You can say I'm incredulous.
You can even say I'm illuminated.
But I'm not sad.

I lost the capability for that emotion the moment you decided that we weren't important enough to warrant a direct approach.
I hope your decision is worth it.

If you play with fire, you get burnt.
I hope you know what I'm getting at.
好自为之。

Guess you won't ever see this.

You make me so sad sometimes, did you know that?
Both of you.
I truly want only the best for both of you.

No matter what happens.
You both mean the world to me.
Remember that.

Feeling quite down today, but then I chanced upon some songs from band days.
And listening to them really made me feel better.

I miss band. A lot.

So, just a memory of the good old times:

James Barnes - Alvamar Overture
James L. Hosay - Persis
Itaru Sakai - The Seventh Night of July
David Holsinger - Abram's Pursuit
Robert W. Smith - Songs of Sailor & Sea
Joe Hisaishi - Mononoke Hime

And the ones I didn't listen to but remember well:
Johan de Meij - Highlights from Chess
James Barnes - Fantasy Variations
Yasuhide Ito - Gloriosa
Alfred Reed - El Camino Real

And of course the much loved:
Jim Andy Caudill - Folklore for Band
Jacob de Haan - Queen's Park Melody
Jacob de Haan - Ross Roy
Jacob de Haan - Oregon
Stephen Bulla - Rhapsody for Hanukkah

I should go dig up my band mp3s.

Sometimes, I wonder why I ended up in contract bridge. So totally different from band.
I guess you only appreciate what you have when you lose it.
Perhaps this means I will one day look back at bridge and feel the same way as I do for band.

J&I. You'll both be in my memories.

Having a WTF moment now.
Where you question everything you have done so far and wonder whether it is correct or worth it.
I usually believe that it is.
But now and then you curse everyone for being unfair and not understanding.
Like now.

Fuck Inter Club, Rec List, Club Funds and the whole lot of it.
So people think I'm omnipotent?
Well, I'm flattered, but you and I know that no one is indispensable.

It's this damn bridge that's screwing me over.
When friends turn their backs on each other, and people you thought you knew turn out to be something different, that's when you really examine everything you've ever held dear and you wonder if you've made a colossal mistake.

And no, I've never felt this unsure about myself for a long, long time.
This is terrible.

On a side note, Marko's being a bastard again.
350 for your bio?
Just how many words do you need to say "I am a lazy bastard" anyway.
Dickhead.

And I know I'm going to fall asleep later and tomorrow everyone will wake up and pretend that everything is okay and nothing happened... until the next time this blows up in our faces.
How fucking enticing.
I can hardly wait.

So sometimes I think, thank heavens I'm leaving this mess soon.
But the thought of leaving 16, leaving bridge, leaving the few of you, just makes my heart ache.
Maybe it's just me because I'm not close to my family, and 16 has been my home for so long.
And the more you care about someone, the more you are hurt by them.

I should be nicer to my parents.
I know they love me.
I'm sorry I've been horrible.
I don't mean it.

Maybe at the end I'm just a stupid twit who tries to be omnipotent and solve everyone's problems when I can't even solve my own.
Pitiful.

Is it strange to feel happy and sad when one is around the exact same people?
It's hard to reconcile conflicting feelings sometimes.
Cognitive dissonance.

I refuse to count down the days.
It is too, too sad.

天啊，我到底在做什么？

The end is approaching, and I have never in my life felt such a feeling of dread.
I cannot bear it.

做人要拿得起放得下。但是，我始终还是放不下。但愿我从来都没拿起过。

Friday the 13th again.
I've never been the superstitious sort, but still, seems that an ominous cloud is lingering in the sky.

And it draws closer everyday. Which honestly, terrifies me.
It's the hardest when you have to pretend to be strong.
But isn't everyone weak on the inside?
It just depends on who is able to better hide their weakness.

I could spend the rest of my life playing bridge and video games.
But then I would hate myself for being a loafer.

Aren't we all hypocrites sometimes?

Crunch time is here.
Too many people dying.
Jaded?
Most probably.

I'm sorry I did that to you people.
It doesn't mean I don't treasure our ties.
Just give me a couple more months, and I promise to make it all up.
Don't give up on me, okay?

Still, there is always a silver lining.
Some random events from random people to make me randomly happy.
You all rock my world.
I'm so glad I didn't throw it away after Nielsen.
Two letters. B. S.
Go figure!

J reminded me of this song a few days ago.
She says it's as if the lyrics were made for me, and my life.
So naturally I denied it.
But going back and listening to it again...
I wish I could deny it, but I can't.

I actually like the song a lot.
So, there you go.
Sometimes, I wonder how Cantonese songs can sound desolate yet calming at the same time.

平时做再多的事，别人都是无动于衷的。
想起来，真的是心灰意冷。
自己到底在为谁奋斗，都不知道。

到头来，最傻的人，竟然是自己。